Time has been quite unfair.Losing hope has now become a habit! Sometimes I dont want to talk. Why does he make me cry? Why? Why does he ditch me so often?
In this dussehra, i burn his memories!

Missing you all!

Those were the most beautiful days. I cling to the fond memories and smile with beaming eyes. The days when the breeze smelt of belongingness. The dawn was the onset of a bright hopeful day. When my little one loved Tamil and forgot Hindi and English, it brought an undying laughter to us. The elder one wanted to learn Tamil and all he could speak was Punjabi mixed Hindi with a few words of Bangla. We were heading towards an integration of the Indian languages. Each day was a new zeal. Project and assignments of course kept me on my toes, but it was worth all the effort. The Chennai air recognized me. The auto rickshawalas knew me and my address. It still gets me giggling and the riots of rick tariffs! Ha! What a life! Beautiful golden days. Too much of everything destroys! Little did I know that it was the last of my togetherness with people I bonded. I am now alone. Very alone. I miss raising my kids; miss each day when I know that they are learning new things! This is certainly not what I wanted. I am a mother and loving my kids is a natural instinct to me.

Life.....

When I gaze back on the time passed by, I relish each moment spent with my loved ones. Things paced up in my life very soon! Early marriage, early career an equally early time for raising kids... time was pretty harsh! I never realised how soon things would be swept under my feet! With little to realise and more to accomplish, I pushed against all odds. Move on was the mantra then. A mad riot of episodes in life and phases that were grey, I never realised the true shades of life. Now things are bleak and shady. Maybe I have accepted them the way they were presented to me. I chose to be on the receiving end. The serenity is sometimes unbearable. It never allows an unspoken word to pave its way and yet that what has been discussed about is sublimed. A difficult phase, time does not allow you to synchronise or reconcile.

In all the walks, I realised the harsh fact of life. I never owned anybody, anything. What the universe gave me, took away willingly. No matter how much you want things to happen fast, its just the people who block them. Why are we so people dependent? A social animal? The concept is way far behind. Trust or mistrust can less be spoken and enlightened upon. What makes sense is the capacity to break free. One such attempt yet again!

Walking down the memory lane...

Getting on terms with life was not an easy task, each step ahead was like a run on the treadmill... your efforts were high but you never moved on. Life became crazier each day. With people around you clinging on to the paths of the rat race, you had no option but to be a part of it. Yes... society at some point in time played a pivotal role in my life. Pre approval and appreciation became a must .. even from people who had little or no value in my life.. whose contributions lead me to miseries. Unfortunately, I kept on meeting expectations. The rebellion within me rose.. I realised what I wanted... I took my decisions... Today I am not with a world leader... maybe not impacting lives as a corporate mission... today I am leading my life and am happy... my mission for my life is not lead by a company’s mission... I am not contributing to the economy of an organization... my work for all charitable works are causes that I really believe in... I am no more awarded as the top performer... neither an ambassador for things that I strived for some five years back... yes... I am in peace with myself! I am not like a few of my friends and family whose lives are lead by someone else dictating a lifetime of endless achievements and predefined paths.. I make my day the way I want to... I have no possessions, I don’t believe in any, the universe is a free space.. By the grace of God, I have a decent roof over my head.. though I don’t possess it, but neither does my landlord... I don’t have a four wheeler about which I am worried for the insurance and well being and jealous of my friend’s new Merc... My smile does not drop at slow ambassadors, it remains the same for both slow pacing cars and race cars...

I am on the path of detachment!

At the age of 25, when people started their careers and though about lives, I already had a career and two kids to look after single handedly. I realised later on that I was in love... the love that scattered my life and left me into pieces. To the extent, that I lost interest in everything. Wandering on the streets at any point in the afternoon was a very comfortable way of solace.

Ek umar nikali hai maine tumhare intezaar mein
Jal chuki hai saari ummeed is intezaar mein
Saham chuki hoon tere khayal se
Saari raakh hui hoon jhooth ke khayal se
Ek darr sa ghar kar chuka hai
Jaise koi toofan ruka hai jo Thham nahi pata
Jis den bikhrega kitna keher hoga
Khud ko raakh bana kar sholon se ab kya darna
Zindagi ne deeya to bohot hai ab humein hai dena
Kya dein...Jeena to seekh nahi paaye
Ab marr ke hi kuchh kaam kar jaayein
Shayad yehi chah thhi jiske liye tune dhoondha mujhey
Yeh aankhein hain ki band hoti nahin aaj bhi dhoondhti hain tujhey
Aansoon hain ki thhamte nahi
Kab baras jaayein bohot mushqil hai kehna
Yeh udaasi ka dard kab tak hai sehna
Tu bhi musqurata hoga mere khayal se
Ek umr guzaari hai maine tere intezar mein....

Kaizen....

Kaizen within me…..

Yes,… the constinous and improved change within me is what I am actively seeking out for… to shed all the threats and to live life absolutely fully… to the extent that every day is the day that I can swear on… make it as enchanting an experience that I myself get mesmerized when I review the time I have pent with myself… enuff of the self brought out depression… enuff of emotional dependency… I need to live now… take a breather… nobody should be important to me to the extent that I start neglecting my personal zeal… happiness and that’s what I’d strive from today on… everyday … I will make my life meaningful for myself… happier for myself and pluck out anybody who has been a cause of worry for me…..
Chanellize the universal energy to contantly recycle myself… speak up and speak out…. Forget my shyness and come out straight….Finally I realize... writinghelped me curb my depression...

Triumph begins now……

Freedom is so absolutely treasured by everybody... the best form of freedom is the ability to express and convey our thoughts... so you say this communication!!! WTF??? I didnt even know that?And how true are you in communicating? As in.... how many times have you been able to convey what you thought of, good or bad, sad or happy... maybe beautiful or ugly... I guess not even half of your life....

And to kill freedom is to live your life dying umpteen deaths a day... I swear... I have felt this and I know it has been very very traumatic...I still die many times a day when I can not express my self....
This is freedom... and i need to celebrate each bit of my life with it....I need to treasure the most beautiful parts of my life and be proud of the fact that I had the guts to do it... fget about what followed on.... How many times has it been that because of one such person in your life you start losing control of yourself.... things go haywire and matters worsen....
with me...cant say,....its either parents or wateva... an irritant has always remained no matter what I do... :(